Glutony

Every time I go home everyone's a little fatter, balder, uglier, and has like 2 or 3 more kids. This is fine. People grinding out, living their lives and I'm not mad at them. But seriously, when I go back to this environment it's like I'm 19 again. I get together with my friends and family, we drink heavily, we break things and belittle each other to the point where someone's girlfriend storms out of the house in tears. The weird (sad) thing is now a lot of my cousins and some of my friends are all getting married and having kids, and young children are involved with these immature antics. But I love kids! When you fart in front of them they look at you like you just broke the law or some shit. Any joke that ends with poopy or butt will leave them in tears. And honestly they are useful too. Instead of forcing your buddy's girl to make you a cocktail, you can now force their kid to do it- and they think they are "cool" for doing so. And I learn kids pretty much do whatever they're told when you're waving a searing hot fire poker at them or threatening them with violence -AND- they make great ashtrays! Alright Alright.. I'm only kidding. I've never put a blunt out on a child before, but I have forced one to pass it across the room to his father. I know, I'm Satan.. but let me explain, the "kid" was 16 and sold us the weed. Is that wrong? Probably on a variety of levels. Christmas is good for a few things, seeing the family and friends, eating past your belt size, and yes celebrating the virgin birth of Santa. But I feel the true slept on aspect of the holiday season are annual office sh*t shows Christmas parties. Who doesn't love getting blackout wasted with a room full of people you spend forty sober hours of your week with? Last year my Christmas party was simply exactly what it should be. I wore a shiny silver body suit and got to see everyone's girlfriends in bikinis sauntering around my boss's Hot Tub with pitchers of margaritas. And who could forget the moment where I seductively drizzled eggnog all over the mouth of a co-workers wife to the gleaming and giggling chagrin of the staff. I also beat a kid in a game of Connect 4 in literally four moves. Think about that for a second. Seriously, drink that in. Yes these pleasant memories are nothing more than dark shadows of the past- echoes of a time more joyous than now. This year I will not be attending any sort of staff x-mas party due to my unfortunate status of unemployment. I'm left to raise a holiday toast with nothing more than a free mug full of room temperature promotional Sparks energy drinks or some old Motts apple juiceboxes. Santa has delivered a giant steaming lump of coal right into the stockings of my heart.