Sympathy for Levi

Imagine it's the summer before your senior year of high school and you're a tall, good-looking star hockey player (I hope that's not too much a stretch for you, hugelush). You know you can get any girl in your school, but you've mainly been hooking up with one for the last few months. She may not be the hottest chick around, but her mom's the governor and she lets you fuck her raw dog (probably because she's never been educated about contraception). One day she calls you and tells you she's pregnant. At first you're pissed. "I don't want kids" (direct quote from his MySpace page), you say to yourself. But then you go out the woods to "shoot some shit and just fucking chill" (MySpace), and you start to feel better. You say to yourself, "Fuck it. It's no big deal. I'm the fucking man. I'm sure I'll knock up a bunch of bitches before I settle down. I'll just keep my distance from her and pay as little child support as possible."

All goes according to plan for a couple months, but then one day the girl's parents show up at your house with a platoon of secret service agents. Your general attitude is, "Ya fuck with me I'll kick your ass" (MySpace), but you think this time you'd better listen to whatever they say. They sit you down at your kitchen table and her mom tells you, "You're going to promise to marry my daughter, come with us to the Republican Convention, and smile and wave under the stage lights, and you're going to like it. The election is in your hands, son. It's time to put your country first."

Sorry, gent.